4-Month Stats

We had our 4-month well-check today.

16 lbs, 8 ounces.
26" long.

Roughly 95% for height and weight.

And Mommy is pained to realize our 6-month onesies are tight. And to realize we may outgrow our infant carrier before we turn 1.

Of course that's not completely sad as Halle + infant carrier = 26 lbs. Did I mention I'm getting some nice biceps?

4 Months Old!

Hi! My name is Halle and I'm 4 months old today! Here's what I do at 4 months:

- I roll from my tummy to my back and ALMOST from my back to my tummy.

- I LOVE to stand and will bounce from side-to-side (just like I do in my favorite toy - the jumperoo!).

- I eat a solid 8 ounces at every feeding. And I stare at Mommy and Daddy's food intently.

- I sleep 12 hours at night (unless I'm growing or didn't get good naps the day before!). When I wake up, I will smile A LOT at Mommy and Daddy. I love waking up to their faces!

- I am a drool-monster and put everything in my mouth! So far I find the taste of my teething toys lacking (and usually make the funniest face after chewing on one).

- I'm SO over those Baby Einstein videos. Now I enjoy watching the animals on Planet Earth and NFL with Daddy (I love staring at the bright colors and sounds those football games have!).

- I will only tolerate car rides if Mommy has "The Jesus Storybook Bible" on audio cd playing. It's my favorite!

- I love when Mommy and Daddy teach me about Jesus! I get to listen to Pastor Mark teach about Jesus with Mommy everyday. I don't yet sit still enough to read Bible stories but I certainly get excited when Mommy and Daddy talk about Jesus!

- I love watching Daddy worship every Sunday morning and I will bounce from side-to-side, shake my arms, and jabber excitedly the whole time. However, when Pastor Keith starts to talk I've been getting fussy and Mommy and I have spent the past few Sundays in the nursery.

- My favorite time of day is bedtime. I go from tired and fussy to happy and excited as soon as Mommy pulls my jammies out! I love to tell Mommy and Daddy about my day on the changing pad, then I snuggle in to feed while Mommy and Daddy pray and sing over me.

- I'm such a big girl! I celebrated my 4-month birthday with a new wardrobe... 6-month-sized clothes, 9-month-sized jammies, and size 3 diapers!

- Speaking of diapers, my favorite place to *ahem* do my business is my bouncer. Mommy and Daddy call it the "laxa-bouncer"!

- My favorite toys are my kitty and Sophie the giraffe. I love chewing on my kitty and can ALMOST get the paci attached into my mouth. When Mommy makes Sophie the giraffe squeak my whole face lights up!

- My favorite activity is watching Daddy when he makes silly sounds! I get very excited and giggle every time he does! I love my Daddy!

- When I don't feel very good there is nothing better than snuggling with my Mommy. I love to bury my face into her shoulder!

- Mommy and Daddy still call me "Littles" but they also have new nicknames for me! Daddy's is "Little bug" and Mommy's is "Boo-bah".

- I love posing for the camera. Every time one comes out I will look straight at it!

One year ago...

... I opened my eyes to find this:

Today, I open my eyes to find this:

And this:

Doesn't that just make you smile?

How far we've come

This picture was taken about six weeks ago. Jim was out of town and I was at home with Halle by myself. I was trying to convince myself and everyone around me that I was NOT dealing postpartum depression and that I had Mommy-hood down.

And that is when Halle stopped sleeping. Seriously. At her worst, she went 28. hours. straight without sleeping.

I thought I was going to kill her. Or myself.

I took this picture when she finally slept for a few hours and I remember cringing because she is sleeping face-down on my bed which means she was now 1,458% more likely to die of SIDS and the reason she was finally sleeping was because I shoved as much formula down her throat as she would take without choking. In the back of my head I heard the SIDS- and breast-feeding-Nazis lecturing me on my parenting abilities. Also, the laptop in the background reminds me that I was watching non-child-appropriate movies on Netflix while my daughter cried nonstop. The NEVER-expose-your-child-to-TV lecturers can feel free to crucify me for that one as well (The worst part is that prior to Halle I was the SIDS/breast-feeding/how-to-correctly-parent-your-child Nazi... and all the parents smile smugly here.)

I pretty much lost it that week. Between the depression and the crying and the not-sleeping and the being alone I turned into what one wonderful mother calls a "bonafide nutjob".

I wish I could say that I turned to Jesus during this time. But this post is all about honesty and repentance so I will tell the truth.

I became filled with anger.

Angry that I was a mother. Angry that God had chosen to give us this "little monster" when I was NOT ready for a child nor asking for one. Angry that I had given up my entire life for this child. Angry that I wouldn't be able to continue working full-time at the job I loved. Angry that the oneness I had once experienced with my husband turned into bitterness that his life continued while mine did not. Angry that I was unable to participate with him in his activities. Angry that he seemed completely oblivious to how I was feeling. Angry that this baby WOULD. NOT. STOP. CRYING. Angry that my milk supply was tanking and I couldn't even provide for my daughter's basic needs. Angry that I would not be able to sleep a consistent stretch EVER AGAIN. Angry that I was confined to my house. Angry that my body was not as resilient as I had hoped and I was pretty certain my stomach would never again be flat.

This anger led me to despise God, my husband, my daughter and my situation. I had my "escape plan" figured out - down to exactly when I would leave and what I would take. Thankfully I still possessed one small fragment of motherly instinct that kept me from abandoning my child (also the same fragment that kept me from throwing her down the stairs).

I am grateful Jesus still chose to take the cross for me.

So here is where I am at this moment: Mommy-hood is hard. It is especially hard because I am a selfish sinner with two capital S's. However, God is good. I have not yet allowed Jesus to be enough but I praying I will be able to soon say (honestly) that He is. I no longer despise my daughter and I am working on not despising my husband by choosing to love him daily and asking God to change my heart and attitude. God is teaching me to view being a wife and mother as a high calling and ministry and giving me small bits of grace throughout my days to remind me.

Mark Driscoll says that repentance is not sweeping sin under the rug and pretending it doesn't exist. I hope and pray to be the sort of wife and mom who can be transparent with her family and admit that she is a filthy selfish sinner capable of no good apart from Jesus. I pray that Halle will look to Him, and not me, as her example of how she should live and conduct herself.

The moral of my story? I am a selfish sinner. Left to myself I am capable of even more selfishness and sin. Fortunately, Jesus not only went to the cross to take the punishment for my sin but He also sought me at my worst and rescued me from myself. Thank you Jesus.

The BEST way to fall asleep!

Today we were spending some quality time with our Aunt Jordan telling her all about our day and it was getting close to nap-time...

We love our Daddy!

Attempting to make water fun!

I bought Halle a "Tummy Tub" in hopes of improving bath time. This is a special round tub that is supposed to create a womb-like experience. All the reviews on Amazon reported that babies who HATED their baths all loved this tub. One mom even reported that her baby cries when they pull her out! I thought I'd give it a try.

Day 1? We played happily for five minutes before giving Mommy a terrified look and trying to push ourselves out of tub. This tub may not help us like water but it may help us learn to stand!